Honkaholics

Drive Me Crazy:

In America, when someone honks the horn on their car it typically means one of a few things.   For one, people will honk their horn outside someone’s house when they are picking a person up.  Another reason people may honk their horns is as a sort of rallying cry, like at the end of a successful sporting event.  People also will honk as a defense mechanism, alerting other cars not to pull out in front of them or to make sure another car can see them.  And people will honk their horn as an audio alternative to flipping the bird; this generally occurs when they’ve been cut off in traffic or when experiencing any other infuriating traffic incident.  As a rule of thumb though, most people try to use the horn as little as possible because it is regarded as both rude and because it causes unwanted noise pollution.

In China, the horn is an integral part of driving and is used extensively at all hours of the day and night.  Noise pollution is an unknown concept.    The following is a study guide to understand the language of horns in China.

Beep beep (short, staccato sounds) = The most common form.  Used as a warning or alert simply to let others know the car is approaching.  A typical example is “I am coming up behind you and am about to pass you, so don’t move into my lane.”  Can also simply mean “hurry up please.”

Beep, beep beeeeeep = I’m now coming up next to you and you still haven’t moved for me, idiot.  You better not veer my way now. . . .

A motorcycle’s beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeppppppppp = I’m turning  through head on traffic at the intersection and the light just turned red; please don’t hit me, please don’t hit me, please don’t hit me, please don’t hit me . . . .

A car’s bbbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppppppppp = I know the light just turned red but I’m going anyway and I’ve now given you fair warning so you better not start going until I’ve blazed safely through.

The throaty growling baritone  Fwrrrrrrrrk fwrrrrrrrrk = I’m an official vehicle, or at least trying to sound like one (there are no horn regulations here), so you better get out of my way because I’m potentially very important damn it!

Unbearably loud, shrill, ear piercing Chreep Chreeep of a long distance bus = get the fuck outta my way, I’m bigger than you and I’ve got places to be and I’ll run you over and you know it and nobody will care, so seriously, get out of my way now.

Beeeeeeeep beep beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep = Why is the light green and we still aren’t moving?  Basically I’m just really frustrated right now and this is my only outlet.

Beeeeeeep beeeeep . . . . hoooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnk . . . beeeep fucking beeeeeeeeeeeeep honk honk hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonk  honk hooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnkkk= you mother fucker!  I saw the effing parking spot first and I’m not going to stop honking until you move your damn car and I don’t give a shit if it is 2:45 in the morning and we are right outside of an apartment complex.  I want my damn spot so I can go inside and go to bed, and I’m gonna make damn sure nobody else can sleep until you move your mother fucking car A HOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLE!!!!!!!!!!!!